The Academy Award for Best Actress Goes To...

Depression sucks! It's dark, it's lonely and it hurts. I'm tired and both my soul and body ache. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold but I know I'm not. I know it is just the chemical imbalance rocking my brain. Irregular circuitry that misfires and sends the wrong signals. I hate feeling like shit. I hate that I get really bitchy. I hate that I am angry. I hate that I hate anything. I hate the holidays. This depression couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm supposed to be loving and thankful and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and let the day pass. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. The party is at my house.
 
"Attitude is the difference between ordeal and adventure." I don't know who said that but it couldn't have come at a better time. I have a choice to make tomorrow. I can be anxious and depressed or I can put on an Oscar worthy performance and be dazzling. I choose to shine and I will so after shot gunning a couple of beers. That's right, I beginning the celebration early. I should wake up around 10:30 and start drinking. If it's the only way to get through it then self-medicate me baby! I don't mean that I'm going to get fucked up. I'm totally not stable enough for that. I'll just maintain a slight buzz; just enough to take the edge off and make for a good time.

Kindles and shopping and bunnies, oh my!

I feel like Eyeore today, “Oh, bother”. I got up this morning before the alarm went off. I grabbed my Kindle Fire and promptly dropped it. It landed face down on the tile and the screen broke. It is a spider web of cracks. I was so sad. Then I found out that I can fix it myself. I just need like twenty eight bucks for a new screen and I should be able to fix it with a little help from eHow. Whew! Thank dog it can be fixed. I couldn’t live without it. As it is I can still read on it which makes me happy because I read all night while I’m working.

I haven’t really felt like working lately. I haven’t felt like doing much of anything. I do however think that the new old meds are starting to work. I have a little more energy and enthusiasm. Ok, not really but I’m trying to convince myself otherwise. I’m trying to pull off that whole, “fake it till you make it”. It’s not really working for me. Still, I try. I did leave the house a few times this weekend and last Wednesday I went shopping with my mom.

I lost a lot of weight so all my clothes were hanging off of me. I really needed some new things and Momma Bear needed retail therapy so she brought me out to the mall. Now normally I would just duck into JC Penney really quick, grab a couple of things and then leave. We did go to Penney’s and then the shoe store and then we walked to the other end of the mall to Macy’s. I did really well. I didn’t get panicky at all. I think having my mom there with me helped immensely. She understands what I go through. Anyway, we had a lot of fun and a wonderful lunch afterwards. I really enjoyed myself. I hadn’t been out with my mom in a long time. I love her.

You know I don’t get out much. Part of it is because my car is broken. Blown heads. Major bummer. Mike was able to find remanufactured heads that were relatively inexpensive. They should arrive today. Hopefully this weekend Mike will have time to fix my car. I have been without it since May. I miss being able to just go. I don’t really know where I will go. I guess I just miss my independence; which is kind of funny when you think about the fact that I suffer from social and generalized anxiety. I don’t really want to interact with other people on a mass scale. I would rather have friends over to visit. I guess it will just be nice to have the option of going for a ride or whatever.

We have a new addition to our household. We have a baby rabbit that my step daughter found in the rose bushes. It is only a couple of weeks old and needs to be fed with an eyedropper. Of course we had to run out and pick up a cage and some hay and some baby blankets to keep it warm. We also had to pick up some cat milk replacement formula to feed the cute little baby. He sleeps a lot and was a hungry little devil when I fed him this morning. He sucked down four droppers full in no time. He or she for that matter is so cute and so soft. It is so small that at first I thought it was a huge mouse. So, I have another project; trying to keep the bunny alive. I shall do my best.

“I said I was smart. I never said I had my shit together.” ~ Unknown

This is so me lately. I am having the hardest time keeping my shit together. I really just want to stay in bed. I want to crawl under the blankets and curl up with my Kindle. I know I have to be patient and let science do its thing, but I don’t have to like it. Or, rather I do. I have to keep my shit together. I am just lost lately; lost inside of myself. I pace the halls of my brain, seeking sunshine and glitter and hearts and flowers. It is pretty dark in here lately; much like looking at a black and white photo. Everything is in gray tones. I need the color back. I need the sunshine.

Tomorrow I’m going to try some retail therapy with my Mom. I need some new things. Most of my clothes are too big. I’ve begun cleaning out my drawers. I really need to get to the closet. I need to make a clothing donation soon.

I think shopping with my Mom will be good. She makes me laugh and she has anxiety like me so she’s cool with bailing on a store at a moments notice. Sometimes there is just too much chaos or a creepy vibe and I just need to get out of there. It doesn’t happen frequently but when it does I need to flee. Mom understands this. She’s totally cool. I can’t wait to spend some quality girl time with her. It’s been so long. I’ve missed her.

Miscellany and Chickens

I saw Dr. V on Friday. We added Prozac back into my cornucopia of pharmaceuticals. Hey I guess what ever keeps me alive. I have to take it with my Celexa for a couple of weeks to give it a chance to start working. It takes time for the medicine to build up in your brain and begin working. So, I begin the long process that leads to relief. It will be a long haul. The good doctor only gave me 20 mg. I was on 60 mg of Prozac when he changed my meds. I will need to build back up to the 60 mgs. I have to do it slowly or risk screwing up my system really badly. I hate this long wait because I know what it feels like to feel good. I hate to wait.

I have finally started my garden. That should keep me distracted. I bought plants. The puppy ate over half of them so Mike had to buy me new ones. I have tomato, strawberry, jalapeño peppers, and lettuce, so far. They are doing well and growing fast. I will be expanding the garden soon. I have heirloom seeds on order. I can’t wait to start cultivating them. I’m using a technique to start them that I learned in kindergarten. How funny is that? I can’t believe I still remember but the technique works great. I have already started some herbs that way. We’re on our way to becoming a little more self sufficient. Next I want chickens.

My friend R has a couple of chickens that produce eggs for her and her husband. Chickens are relatively easy to keep. I just need Mike to build me a coop. Unfortunately he has way too much going on right now. So, I guess the chickens will have to wait. He is working a crazy amount of hours lately. I worry about him. I’m glad that he had a chance to relax this weekend. He has been doing 70 hour weeks and was supposed to work Saturday and Sunday of this weekend. His company decided he had too many hours already and cancelled the weekend shifts. We could use the money but seeing him relax and enjoy himself is priceless.

We pretty much started celebrating on Friday when he got home and quit early Sunday evening. We had a great weekend with friends constantly in and out. We spent Sunday with a couple of friends and had a wonderful time. H, thanks for the awesome dinner you cooked. Now it’s back to the grind with each of us putting in tons of hours at our respective jobs.  

Big sigh.

Wow, it’s been a whole week since I wrote anything. It’s been a whole week since I have felt anything except Mike’s love. I’m pretty numb right now. I am really close to being in a full blown depression. I’m no longer angry. I’m rather just resigned right now. I’m in limbo; caught between bliss and the dark abyss. I’m holding on really tight and keeping my shit together. Only two more days and I will see the good Dr and get my brain chemistry balanced out.

 
I wish I could explain how I feel. Going through this slide this time is different. I feel like I have to keep my chin up and drag my ass out of bed and be a productive member of society. I do this because I know that Mike is counting on me to be ok. I know I can do this.

Fuck Depression!

Here we go on coffee number two. It’s actually my second quadruple espresso today. I am so worn out. I think working late nights is catching up with me. I normally work Sunday through Thursday until 2 am. The last couple of weekends I have worked on Friday and Saturday nights from 9 pm until 8 am as well because the weekend dispatcher has been ill. I think I need a day off. I also need my meds adjusted.

I have been a real bitch lately. I mean, not all the time but later in the evening I will punch you in the throat. I’m exhausted and cranky. I know part of it is the schedule I keep. I know that an even bigger part of it is that my new anti-depressant isn’t cutting it. A couple of months back the good Dr changed my meds in an attempt to save me money. He said that this medication is better anyways because it is not stimulating like the other one. No shit it isn’t stimulating; it’s putting me to sleep. I don’t like it one bit so, I called to make an appointment to see Dr. V. Unfortunately, he is booked solid. I can’t get in before my appointment on the 27^th. I have been put on the waiting list in hopes that someone cancels. The thing about that is I will need notice so that I can have access to a vehicle to get to his office. He won’t switch my meds unless I go see him or Mike calls him. Time to pull out the big guns and have my man make the call.

Mike and Dr. V have a good relationship. It is one of mutual respect and trust. If Mike calls the good doctor and tells him that I need to be put back on my old meds, chances are the doctor will just call in a script and I will be good to go. Dr. V knows that if Mike is calling him then Wendy is having a melt down. I’m not. I’m fine but I don’t know for how long. For now supplementing my meds with herbs is working but, I’m going to play my ace and have Mike call before things get out of hand. I don’t need another trip to the looney bin although; it has been almost a year since I last lost my mind. I wonder if the same people still work there. I digress. I am not going there. I’m not even close to being there so, nobody panic. Yes Mom, this means you. I joke about being hospitalized but it isn’t funny. Ok, yeah, it is a little.

To meet me I don’t think you would ever guess anything was wrong with me. I mean I’m quirky and all but, I don’t appear unstable. I’ve met many fellow bi-polars and thought, “Thank dog I have my shit together and am not like that.” I really do have my shit together for the most part. I’m all about peace and love. I'm of above average intelligence. I’m all about good friends and celebrations. I think the biggest thing that is wrong with me is that I don’t have a normal job. I used to. I don’t anymore. Now I have a very strange career that really doesn’t at all fit my personality. Ok, maybe it does.

I don’t really like people much. I say that a lot. My job requires me to speak to strangers about the most depraved shit on the planet. I don’t really like what I do and most often exclaim, “Oh, fuck me!” when the phone rings but, the sound of the phone ringing means money. So I enthusiastically dive into my job because it is my job to be a fucking people person. I do everything with enthusiasm because that’s the way I was raised.

Today I am having a hard time being enthusiastic about my job. It figures too because I have been busy this morning. I’m happy about the money, it’s just that I’m feeling rather introverted today. I would like nothing more than to climb into my bed with a good book and just relax all day. I could do that, having done my chores, my job search and my workout already. I could just curl up with the phone and my Kindle. I’m not into talking and I think that is because I am lost in another book.

I love free books. This week I scored a few good ones. The book that I am reading now is the biography of an Iranian girl who is born in the 40’s in Iran and comes to the USA as a young college student. It is fascinating from a cultural perspective. It is not a very happy book but I couldn’t help myself from becoming immersed in this lady’s world. The author does a wonderful job of making the reader feel like part of her world not like an outsider looking in. It is called the Caspian Diary and is written by J.M. Sandler. I highly recommend it.

Knowing How It Feels Changes Your Perspective

“You’ve been in darkness, loneliness, and nothingness for so long. And one day, without noticing it, you’ll be moving into the sun, and in love with the world, and you’ll be glad you’re still here.” ~ Unknown

I’m glad I’m still here. If not for luck and a lot of love I wouldn’t be. Depression is a deep dark pit of despair. There is no light, there is no love, there is only the echo of the terrible thoughts in your head. Depression is lonely. It is isolating. It is tiring. Your very soul aches. Everything is painful. The present looks bleak and you don’t even think about the future other than to hope you don’t see it. The pain becomes excruciating. You pray for it to end. It is at this point that you are dying to be free of the nightmares that are your own irrational thoughts. Sometimes you hold on. You have too. Others are counting on you to make it. Sometimes you give up and leave a wide debris path when you extinguish that pain forever.

My husband, Pete, died by suicide. He was depressed, he was anxious and he was paranoid. I tried to get him help but it was too late. Two weeks into beginning a stint with antidepressants he hung himself. It was a terrifying ordeal. I have never felt pain that deep. It shattered my world. I spent eighteen years of my life loving him and now he was gone. You just don’t do that to people you love. I know how great his pain was. I have been there myself. I never would have guessed how damaging suicide is to those you leave behind.

I curled up into the fetal position both literally and figuratively. I just went through the motions of daily life and self medicated as much as possible. I dreaded waking up in the morning. I felt like, “Fucking great! I woke to see another day. Yay me. Not?” You see the truth is that at that point I just wanted to die. I prayed that I would. I prayed I would just die in my sleep of a broken heart. I now knew the great depth of pain that Pete felt when he decided to commit suicide. I now understood his despair. It killed me that he had been in that much pain, but then so had I.

I spent several months on auto-pilot. I made a lot of poor decisions. My moods were all over the place. Then I sort of stabilized. Sort of. I think I became hypo-manic. It is not a full blown manic episode it is just a heightened state of euphoria. It was during this period that I met Mike. I honestly don’t know why he is still with me. I did everything I could think of to push him away. He wouldn’t budge. Mike is my saint. He swooped in, scooped up all the broken pieces of my heart and put me back together. It was not smooth sailing. I was the mess I was because of what I had been through in addition to being bi-polar and Mike was a mess from having been used and fucked over so many times. We knew we were in love but we fought hard against it. Then one day everything just magically clicked into place. It’s like the clouds parted for me and suddenly I was living in abundant white light.

My relationship with Mike is easy and loving. I love him unconditionally as he does me. There is a strong trust in our relationship. We love like old souls reconnected. I bask in the glow of our love and everything in my world seems just fine.