I forgot how I was going to end this blog.

I hear the kids in the school yard a couple of blocks over. I can picture them running with smiles on their faces and shrieking with laughter. I find no joy in it. Instead it is just noise to me. It should bring about feelings of bliss and contentment that at least on this block there is joy in the world. It makes me sad that I can't feel that. I'm perched on a fine line right now. I have two choices; keep hanging on to the light or just give in to this depression. It's tiring fighting it all the time. I just want to sleep until it is over.

Sleep comes in clumps of hours. I keep waking up from nightmares. My nerves are raw and tattered from not sleeping peacefully the last few nights. I hate when the dreams occur. They are weird. They are like watching a sitcom about everyday life and it is staring me and Pete. The problem with this is that he looks like he did the day I found him hanging. He's pasty and blue and his lips are black and his eyes are always closed and bulging. It really fucks me up. That's the PTSD kicking in because I'm depressed. Oh joy; not. So I need to do something to knock myself completely out. Fortunately I know how to do that. I'll max out my sleep meds again and I won't dream or remember anything.

I have to send myself text messages so that I remember to do things. I send myself grocery lists, names of books I want to read and names of movies I want to see. I have to because I don't seem to have much in the way of short term memory. My memory sucks. I need to start doing luminosity or some such shit because apparently reading constantly is not cutting it in the exercise your brain department.

I forgot how I was going to end this blog. There was something else I was going to tell you, but I can't remember what it was. Oh, well. Time for another glass of soothing herbal tea.