Love and Some of the Best People Ever.

“Ego forgives and punishes. Love forgives and heals.” ~ 365 Wisdom Pills

I have been trying to forgive someone for a long time but I don’t really like this person. I have felt bad about not letting go. I came across this quote in one of my free eBooks. I realize that I need to forgive to heal myself and not worry about the other person. See, I’m all about love lately. It is an easier way to live. So I guess that I will forgive this person in my heart, not to their face, and let it go. I will never let this person back into my life but I will release the bad feelings I have about them.

I’ve started reading a couple of new books. One is the book that I took the opening quote from. It is a series of mantras, one a day. Kind of like taking vitamins for your heart. It is new age stuff with a timeless method as is the other book I began. The other book is called “We are Human Angels”. It is the companion to 365 Wisdom Pills. I seem to be on this quest for balance and serenity lately. I’m doing pretty well. I am very happy and have an abundance of love in my life but there is just something missing inside of me. I’m also trying to like people. So, it is time for some soul searching with the guidance of some angels.

I may have said this before but, in general people suck. I don’t venture out into the world very often but when I do I hate it. I am nice to strangers. I smile and what not but, I do not like it. I don’t know where this aversion to people comes from. I guess I’ve always kind of been a loner. I have had and still do have spectacular people in my life. I have friends and family that I adore. I got to spend some time this weekend with people I really love and whose company I enjoy.

Mike killed a gator so we had to have a party. We had fresh gator tail, salads, and chicken and pork from the smoker. The best part about the party were the people. My mom and dad where here. I haven’t seen them since last October. It was great to get hugs from two of my favorite people. I hadn’t realized how much I had missed them.

More than a few friends stopped by. People were in and out all afternoon. I was psyched when a couple of old friends showed up. I hadn’t seen him since March and her even longer. It was fun catching up and reminiscing about old times. I so enjoyed their company. I was happy to be surrounded by people that I adore and I know accept me for who I am.

PTSD and Leadership or The Lack There Of

Except for the attitude adjustment that I have needed the last couple of days I’ve been feeling great for a long time. I can’t remember the last time I cried. I’ve been in a state of pure bliss lately. I think that comes with accepting that this is my reality. I can wish for more. I can try for more but, ultimately, it is what it is.

All things considered, life is pretty damn good. I am madly in love and other than worrying about money, I haven’t a care in the world. My anxiety is mostly gone and I haven’t had a flashback in months. I don’t know where this ability to let go manifested itself. I can only think that it comes partly from the hypnosis sessions that I went through with a therapist. I have just ripped a session off of a dvd and onto my iPod. I am going to enjoy having it within hands reach. I love how I feel after a session. It sooths the beast that is PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I have noticed that lately it is trying to rear its ugly head.

My PTSD is mostly the result of finding my husband dead. He had been hanging for about 12 hours so you can imagine what a fucking mess that was. I used to live with daily flashbacks. Oh those paralyzing moment when it all comes crashing back through your conscious mind. You see it. You hear it. You smell it. You feel it. It is all flashing back to you and you think it is happening all over again. It is terrifying. When I am highly stressed it hits me over and over again. I haven’t been stressed out in a few months. Sure, I worry about things but I’m not riddled with anxiety like I am when I have to interact with a lot of people on a daily basis. I am starting to think that I really don’t like people much. I have a small little happy world with a warm group of family and friends that I love. I don’t want to be subjected to a myriad of personalities each day. I like my quiet week days. I have no problem being alone. The thought of going back to office work terrifies me but I know I have to do it.

It’s hard to have a good time while working in the corporate world. I suppose for that to happen you would have to be truly passionate about what you do. I know that to be the truth. I used to work on the Space Shuttle Program. I was part of a group that made history. It was an amazing experience; one that will never be duplicated. See, I’ve had the best of the best. No job will ever come close. I left the human space program and jumped into the defense sector. It sucked. Don’t get me wrong, the things I experienced in that job were once in a life time experiences but they certainly weren’t as meaningful. I think that has to do with the people I was working for. Except for my direct manager, nobody had shit for leadership skills. I was not used to that. I was used to “rally the troops” enthusiastic leadership. We were a team. Not so much in the business of war. These people had been military Generals and I was like, “seriously?” They are terrible at what they do. Not the company itself, the everyday employees really do believe in what they do but it is because of a sense of camaraderie not inspiration from management. I can’t work like that. I can’t work for a bunch of assholes.

Update to I'm so damn tired

It's PMS. Mike just confirmed it. He also said it is lack of a normal sleep schedule and not enough activity. So, I have set the alarm, prepared my nightly meds so that I can take them an hour before I go to bed and charged up my iPod so that I have tunes while I ride my bike tomorrow. Maybe I will ride Jessie's bike around the block a couple of times. Yeah, I like that, exercise in the sunlight. Sounds like I have a pretty good plan to pull me out of this slump. I also have chocolate and beer.

I'm so damn tired!

So much for “me time”. It was a good plan however; I have fallen short of meeting my goal of having two good hours to do whatever I want in the morning. I have been so tired the last few days. I have been sleeping until noon. Granted, I do go to bed at 2 am and don’t usually fall asleep for a couple of hours. This morning it was 4:15 the last time I looked at the clock. I woke up this afternoon at noon. The same thing happened yesterday. I don’t know why I’m so tired. The only things I can attribute it to are the new antidepressant I am on and PMS.

Last month I switched antidepressants. I was on Prozac and it was costing me about $55 per month. My doctor switched me to Celexa because it only cost $10 for a ninety day supply. He said it was better than Prozac. It is not. At least I don’t think it is. I’m on month number 2 and I’m not feeling so great. It could be my late night hours catching up with me but, I don’t think so. It could be PMS but, I never had that on Prozac. The big problem is I can’t just go back to the old meds without a visit to the good doctor. It will require an office visit. An office visit will cost me $75. I don’t have that right now. So, I guess I’ll have to just ride it out. Maybe it will sort itself out on its own. It’s only been six weeks. And this exhaustion is new. It is just in the last couple of days that I am just plain beat.

I’m on my second quadruple espresso of the day. It isn’t helping. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep a blissful few more hours. It is not to be. I’m dispatching for a hours this afternoon so, no nap for me. I’m hoping the issue resolves itself soon. I like having me time in the morning. This makes day two that I haven’t sunned myself. I need the sunshine. It recharges me. I guess after I’m done dispatching I’ll go take a nap in the hammock. That should make me feel better. I can only hope this passes soon.

Hey Momma Bear, Don't read this post

It’s about midnight and I’m dispatching and it blows. I’ve had a few calls, all of them hang ups. Is the economy suffering so bad that the pervs aren’t even spending money getting their rocks off? This industry usually doesn’t fall off; maybe it is the company I’m working for. I have thought of moving on but, this company guarantees me a specific pittance. Be it ever so small, it does pay for my meds. I really shouldn’t complain because today my skanks actually got me some calls. They were repeat customers so, that was nice. One of them is just fascinated by my job and asks me all kinds of questions about it. Turns out he is a sociology major doing research. I’m down with that. I’ll tell him anything he wants to know except my real name.  He is always looking for a story. He wants to hear about my most depraved calls. I think he does get off on it, but whatever, he’s paying me. Today I had a good story for him. The call before him was a guy that thought I looked like his little sister (one of my characters! I don’t use my own pics. That’s a whole other story I will tell later.) and he just totally wants to do his sister. You cringe but it is a very common theme. People are into some fucked up things.

The company I work for is a no taboo company. That means that no matter how fucked up a customer request is you are supposed to roll with it. I can handle that. It’s not me after all; it is one of my characters. It is easy to stay detached. You just have to play a roll. I have five characters. The owner of the company just picks chicks from his collection and assigns them too you. I assure you that he scraped the bottom of the barrel when he scratched up my lot. They are a motley bunch. They range from Cherish the barely legal to Ava the hot grandma.  You may laugh but Ava does well with the younger guys. One of my girls, Brittney, gets most of the action because that’s who I tell people I am when I’m dispatching. They are hearing a sexy voice and not thinking about what Brittney looks like. They like the voice, they request a call, and they get hooked. It’s as simple as that. Truth be told, Britt looks like she is on meth. She’s got that look in her eye. She’s pasty and skinny and her pigtails are a stringy mess. I don’t know why I picked her as my dispatching persona. She’s totally trashy.  All my “ladies” are. I use that term loosely. They are a bunch of dirty mouthed bitches.

See, I will talk about anything. I will get dirty to the point of leaving a guy speechless and hopefully breathless. I get paid to deliver mind blowing fantasies. The quicker the better. I strive for the five minute quickie.  They have paid me up front so I might as well get it over with as soon as possible. I have to regulate that though because I get paid according to the block of time they have bought. The more time, the more money. So, I have to play with them a little bit so that they will buy longer blocks of time. I alternate between super quickies and long, slow, filthy seductions. I hate the seduction. It is too arduous. I’d rather just put the pedal to the metal and rock and roll!

PLOT TWIST!

Mike just got called out on a trouble ticket. I am pleased to see my most favorite person ever. He works too hard. That’s why I do what I do. I do the best I can and phone sex seems to be just that, the best I can do right now. I couldn’t even score the job at the liquor store for $9.00 an hour. A lot of good my fucking bachelor’s degree is doing me. I graduated with a 3.9 average after taking full time classes while working fulltime and commuting an hour each way. I know! Yay, me!  I rocked a very intense program like it was child’s play and it does nothing for me. I’m either over qualified or under qualified. There are no jobs in the middle down here.

So, I have become a house wife of sorts. I am a domestic fucking goddess! I have recently gotten a bug up my as about the house looking nice. I cleaned the fuck out of this place this afternoon and it still looks like gypsies live here. The once pristine floor is totally trashed again. It is every night. It comes to night fall and we let the critters inside and the place gets tore up. We have four dogs. Two are rather large pitbull puppies. They are a terror team. They come skidding sideways looking to eat and you are damned if you are in their way. They are like hockey players; bump and run. Tomorrow morning I will have a repeat of this morning. I will once again sweep and mop the floor after I throw the hoodlums outside. Then I’m going to detail my man’s chopper. It’s a bit of a Frankenstein, but it is starting to come together. That is after I bake my man chocolate chip cheesecake brownies. See, domestic Goddess!

The need to unplug

Sunday night and I’m dispatching. That means 7 hours of playing on digital devices. I am way too plugged in. Unless I’m sleeping then I am looking at one of three electronic devices that I possess. Today I came to the conclusion that being “on” that much is becoming harmful to me. I live inside of a digital world. Except for one hour of the day I am inside. Every morning around 11:30 I go lie in my hammock and catch some rays. The sunshine is really good for me. It nourishes my soul. It gives me vitamin D. It caresses my skin. For that one hour I meditate. So I am in an alternate state. I realized that I am not living in the moment. I’m always distracting myself and not always with the right stuff.

I have “liked” several pages on Facebook that have to do with being bipolar in a way to keep me tuned in to what is new with my disease. I have found these sites to be damaging as it seems that they are all trashing the use of meds to maintain. I can’t imagine myself without medication. No, not true; I know who I am when I am not on meds and I am one hot mess. I don’t want to be like that. So, if it means being a good little girl and buying into the big pharmaceutical companies I have to do it. I can not be trusted without meds. I don’t mean that I am deceitful; I mean that my moods cycle so rapidly that they get mixed and I just become pissed off. I do pissed very well. I can be the most evil bitch. I think the most frightening things and I start hearing voices. Yikes! It’s either that or I become super manicky. This can be a mixed blessing. I have tons of energy, require little sleep and hear voices. When I’m on meds I’m just sort of normal. I like normal Wendy. She is a good person.

I like being on an even keel. I like enjoying things in the moment. That’s why I need to unplug more. I have set aside a couple of hours a day for just myself. I can sun myself and exercise and take some time for me. I like the idea. From 11 till 1 will be Wendy time. Yeah, I like that idea just fine.

Sudafed and St. Francis of Assisi

It’s been over a week since my last post. Not really much has happened because I got sick and because I don’t get out much. I came down with some sort of sinus issue that left me with a headache that was worse than a migraine. I was afraid that I would have to go to the doctor. This is a luxury that I can not afford so, on Mike’s advice I loaded up on Sudafed and allergy meds. I was down and out for four days. I’m happy to say that I feel marvelous now. I was afraid it was a sinus infection because I had bouts of hot and cold sweats. I thank my lucky stars that it was merely allergies. The Sudafed worked like a charm. Within a half hour of taking it the headache was gone. Unfortunately, it made me speed my brains out.

Sudafed works much like ADHD meds. I compare it to Adderall. It made me extremely focused but unable to sleep through the night. That took its toll on me as I work until 2 AM and usually don’t get to bed till 3 and I was waking up at 5:00 then tossing and turning only to fall asleep for another hour. Of course it affected my mood. I was in sort of a mixed state and maybe a little bitchy. I’m not sure I was really that much of a bitch. I think I was just too tired to deal.

So, I haven’t really done much more than read. I’m back to devouring at least one ebook a day. I love to read but I get too pulled in. The focus that the Sudafed gave me allowed me to totally immerse myself into different worlds without distraction. I can get so into a book or a character that it is hard to pull myself out. I find myself wanting to stay in that imaginary world and most times am sad when a book is finished. I’m lucky enough to have found several free sources to feed my passion for reading. My Kindle is well stocked. Reading free books means that I am reading about a variety of topics. I read whatever is free and somewhat appealing. In the last week I have read romantic comedies, historical fiction and even a biography on St. Francis of Assisi. There are so many worlds to explore. I’m thankful to my mom for teaching me to read at such a young age and for instilling in me a love of reading.

 
Speaking of my mom, she and my daddy are back in Florida for the next several months. I can’t wait to see them. They got in on Wednesday and will be staying until sometime in May of next year. I’ve missed them. So, I guess it’s time to have a welcome back party. I do love a party and this gives me a reason. I’m not sure when it will be because I don’t know if Mike is on call this weekend or not. Maybe we will just have a quiet picnic with just the four of us and if Mike gets called out he’ll just have to go. When he is on call we can’t have one of our wild get togethers because Mike can’t really drink. First of all he has to drive. Second and even more dangerous is that he has to work with a chainsaw around live electrical wires. There isn’t a lot of room for errors there so it is best that he is sober while doing so.

Wow! Having just reread this it is apparent that I am no longer on speed. My ADHD brain is up to its usual tricks and leading all over the place. Maybe I should address this with my doctor. I kind of like being focused. The big concern that he has is that ADHD meds can be stimulating and might exacerbate my anxiety. I don’t need that. So I have to pick and choose carefully. I would much rather be daffy and all over the place than panic stricken. With that said, I think I will conclude this installment because I don’t know what other tangents I may go off on. The possibilities are endless.

Public Service Announcement or True Confessions?

So, it is Mental Health Awareness Week and seeing that I’m mental I feel like I should throw a party or something. As we have already discussed, I am bi-polar. I am also ADHD, have PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. I have everything under control except the anxiety. Well, that’s not entirely true. I now, finally, have my anxiety under control and I am happier than I have ever been. I’m passionately in love and in the absence of constant stress it feels fantastic. The only thing I can attribute that too is that I no longer leaving my home for work. Working in an office is a drag. People pretty much suck. Cube life is stressful especially when you have nothing to do. I used to read on the Kindle app on my phone for 8 hours every day. That’s 40 hours of reading in a week. You spend 40 hours inside another world and you get so engrossed you don’t want to come out. Either that or you are traveling. I traveled every week just so that I could be out of the office. I am thoroughly convinced that working in cubesville with a bunch of people is the cause of my anxiety. Anxiety is a buzzkill!

I lost my corporate gig in March of this year and to date have not found another job outside of the house. Am I sad about this? Not really. Do I miss the big salary that comes with it? Yes, I do. Is it worth it to live with constant anxiety? No, that big paycheck is not worth it. I wish I could make more money working from home. But, alas, the economy sucks and phone sex is not a luxury that many can afford. Things have been slow. It also doesn’t help that my girls look like a bunch of crack whores. Man, they are ugly. I wouldn’t do any one of those bitches. But I digress, we were talking mental health. My job puts me in a good mood most of the time. I’m dispatching at night so that guarantees me an income. It isn’t a stressful job and I’m enjoying being a housewife. I love taking care of Mike. I am on an even keel right now. I have never felt so happy and normal in my whole life. My meds are finely tuned and I no longer have anxiety. I do wish I could get out a little more but, I’m happy spending the day with just the dogs. This week I started lying out in the sun every morning, so I’m thinking my fear of being outside is gone. I never left the house unless it was to go to the supermarket. I was paler than pale and suffering from a vitamin D deficiency. I ask you; how the fuck does someone who lives in The Sunshine State have a vitamin D deficiency? They never go outside that’s how. I used to be afraid to be out in the yard; left over damage from Pete. He had me convinced that I needed to hide or someone would abduct, rape, and kill me. So I hid. I would only go to work and to the grocery store. When I went to work I was totally paralyzed with anxiety. Despite being fucked up, I always excelled; easily earning promotions. I’m not sure how I kept my shit together. I’m not sure how I hid the hospital visits. I used to get locked up every 6 months or so. I used to think that my meds were fucked up, but I think it was an overdose of anxiety. I could only take so much and then I would just snap and want to kill myself. So off to the mental hospital I would go for a 3 day tune up. Nothing causes you to pull your shit together faster than waking up in One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest. I never remember the car ride there. I would just wake up there and think, “Oh fuck, it’s happened again!”

It hasn’t happened since the first of the year. That was a rough ride. I think I spent a total of 5 days in there because my doctor was on vacation and the two attending physicians thought I was still a threat to myself and wouldn’t let me out. I had to wait for my doctor to come back. I suppose they were right to keep me. My anxiety can come off as anger. I was a little intense for them. When my doctor came back we maxed out my meds and I was released. All and all it was a good tune up.

What really got me to feeling better was acceptance of my new reality after the loss of my job. It took a while. It took about 6 months for me to come around. I have accepted my new life and am moving on. I do what I can to get by with a smile on my face. I’m convinced that attitude is everything. I wake with a smile on my face and move about my day in peaceful bliss. It helps that I have a wonderful partner.  I truly am blessed. Mike does crazy very well. I am certain that if it weren’t for his loving care I wouldn’t be alive to write this. Mike understands my moods. He knows me very well and does not hesitate to let me know that I’m getting a little out of hand. He says that’s what people who love each other do. They take care of each other. He takes very good care of me. I am fortunate to have a partner that takes an active role in my mental health. It is important to know that I am not alone in this fight to keep it together. Whereas before I would have crumbled, I now thrive in the face of adversity. That is true understanding. No stigmas.

Are all those conspiracy theorists really that fucked up or do they have a jump on us?

I’m going to teach myself how to can. Of course I need something to can first and a pressure cooker. I’m afraid to buy one. They probably make you produce a license for that. I really need to start my garden. I also need to learn how to bake bread. I want us to be much less reliant on others and more self sustaining. I think this is a pretty smart way to live right now. I don’t say this as some conspiracy theorist nut job. I say this as someone who is concerned about the way the world is changing.

I believe everything happens for a reason. I used to work a high paying corporate job (in, ironically, the defense industry). I got canned from it. I have been out of work since March 26, 2013. Everyday I actively look for a job. Everyday I apply for jobs. I can’t seem to get hired. So, I have a gig as a phone actress and dispatcher. It barley pays for my meds each month but it is at least something. We are doing our damnedest to get by. It has taught us to be very resourceful. See, everything happens for a reason. I think more self reliance in the form of gardens and homemade food would really go a long way for us. You really don’t know what is in the food you by now a days. I think the food supply is contaminating us. I feel so much better when I eat a clean diet. So with this paycheck (hey mom, sound familiar? Next paycheck. LOL) I am going to buy some manure and some plants. It is cooling off here and is the perfect time to plant. I just have to remember to water it.

Watering is easy as Mike has set up sprinklers that cover the garden. I would also like to begin collecting rain water. I know it is illegal but we need a sustainable water supply. We are on a well but that does require electricity for the pump. I love being on well water. There is no fluoride in it. While this has maybe softened my teeth a little, it has rid my body of that toxin. The only fluoride my body gets is from toothpaste. That’s topical at its very best. I’ve read a lot about the toxicity of fluoride and it scares me.

What also scares me is the state of the federal government. It is no longer “We the people…” It is them the rich and corporations. We are at a turning point in the cyclical nature of government. Our republic is no longer. We are turning towards socialism. This is the very government that our forefathers fought against. Will there be a revolution? I don’t know. I hope so. I just want my family to be prepared. So I’ve become sort of a prepper or a hippie. My mom and dad were in the 60’s and 70’s. I have a good background for this shit. Thanks mom and dad.

I damn near broke my neck

Hello. It’s been a while. I’ve been living upside down lately. I’ve been working all night and sleeping during the day. Twelve hour nights are a bitch. Now I’m on a more normal schedule. Well, sort of; I work from 7pm until 2am doing dispatching. I work my girls during the day. Dispatching is funny. People are a trip. Everyone wants something for free. We don’t give away free samples. Give me your credit card or I will hang up on you. I’m funny like that. It weeds out the jerks.

So, I came out of that one sleep deprived week virtually unscathed. I was afraid the hours would trigger a mood swing. I was lucky. It made me a little manicy but I can handle that. I actually have more energy. I did spend a lot of this weekend outside so that could be part of the energy deal. I’m working on getting more sunlight. Mike bought me a bikini this weekend. I’m rocking it pretty good. I feel good and I look good if I do say so myself. I have just one problem; I can’t seem to get into the hammock that Mike set up for me. I just flip out onto the ground. This morning I tried to get into the damn thing and it tossed me out on my ass. Unfortunately it tossed me onto the ground and I hit my head on the metal cross beam. I tried to get in it three times with no joy so I quit before I really got hurt. I need to get an old fashioned lounge chair. One that is low to the ground so that I don’t kill myself.

 I honestly thought I broke my neck this morning. Now I’m treating myself with a heating pad and a muscle relaxer. I can’t turn my head to the right. I’ve also had a sore spot in the middle of my upper back. I’ve had it for about a month now. I don’t know what is up with that. I guess if I had insurance I would go have it checked out but I don’t so I will live with it. Who can afford a doctor? The ACA is supposed to fix that but I hear it cost a lot. High premiums with high deductibles doesn’t sound affordable to me. I guess I’m one of those people that will end up paying the fine for not having signed up. Oh well, such is life. I’m sure I’m not alone in this situation. I personally think Obamacare is going to bankrupt the middle class. I don’t think it is affordable. I think it is just an attempt to enslave citizens. I don’t usually do politics so I’m going to shut up now.