Unconditional Love

Two and a half weeks into the new year already. How are those resolutions working out for you? I don’t make them. I have no need to set myself up for failure. I also skip out on those goals; usually by now. Why do I have to begin the New Year with a specific goal in mind? I’m a day to day kind of girl. I’m happy living in the moment. I have been trying really hard to live in a state of peace.

I live in love. I am blessed to have a man that loves me unconditionally. This notion of unconditional love is foreign to me. I come from a turbulent past; one that involved a ton of drama. I’m over that now. I have made peace with my past. It’s over and done with. I have a new life now; one where there is an abundance of peaceful love. I am thankful for this chance.

Grieving Once Again

Ego says, “Once everything falls into place, I will find peace." Spirit says, “Once you find peace, everything falls into place." I don’t know who said that but it really hit home with me. I have not been at peace lately because I have been letting my ego get in the way. I have been struggling with some drama and it has hit me hard and deep. I have to make peace with what now is. I have to let go of ego and let spirit take over again. I must grieve my loss and move forward. It is essential to my well being.

Grieving is old hat to me. I am a widow by suicide. I have been to the deepest pits of hell. I have clawed my way up from the bottom many times. This time I am grieving the loss of one of my favorite people. He did not die. He went away because of the drama. I will miss him. I will miss his hugs. I will miss his smile and laugh. I will miss hanging out with him. I will miss everything about him. I will grieve deeply and recover yet again whether I like it or not. I must grieve to achieve peace.

Ava Gets A Boy Toy

Miss Ava has a fan. Ava is one of my pso characters. She is the old girl in the bunch coming in at around 54 years old. She is a pretty lady and she knows how to play games. Roll playing is the nature of my job. You are always trying to be somebody’s dirtiest fantasy. I work for a no taboo company. That means that you talk about anything the customer wants no matter how sick it is.

Ava got lucky with her stalker. He’s pretty tame if you are into this whole teenage neighbor next door fantasy. He pictures Ava in stockings so of course every time he calls I have to tell him what color my stockings are. He prefers silk as they are the smoothest. He likes to be tied up and played with. He likes to be made mommy’s little pet. And, he likes to have me make him refrain from having an orgasm. I know, a little depraved, right? The funny part is he does most of the talking. I just have to tell him “good boy” and “Mommy loves you” every once in a while. He takes care of the rest. It’s easy money. The best part is he calls every day. It is guaranteed money every morning. I sip coffee in my pajamas while I talk to him. I love my job and Miss Ava.

One Word: Sudafed

I haven’t published in a while. Notice I didn’t say that I haven’t written. I’ve had a lot to say lately but it is very personal and I just don’t see the point of airing dirty laundry. You know the adage, “If you can’t say something nice…” So, I have been keeping it all to myself lately. That probably isn’t the best thing to do. I think that internalizing garbage is unhealthy and that’s what I think has made me sick.

I have felt like shit for a while now. I have this nagging little low level cold that I think is trying to turn into a sinus infection. I have spent the last few days with hot and cold sweats and lethargy. I can’t sleep enough. I finally took Mike’s advice (he’s always right) and went and bought some Sudafed. Wow! Now I know why you have to furnish a license to purchase the stuff. I’m high as a kite and my sinus pressure is gone. Sudafed works on me like Adderall did. My ADHD is pretty much nil today. This is a fun vacation from the chaos that is my brain. My doctor stopped my Adderall because he thought it was adding to my anxiety. I have to say that right now my anxiety level is very manageable. I think it is because I am so focused. Everything is clean and sharp for the most part.

I miss the blistering heat of summer. Well maybe not Summer temps; more like Spring or Fall. I love a nice 85 degree day with low humidity and a slight breeze. I love to lay in my hammock and soak up the Sun’s glorious warmth. I miss that right now. Today, and for the past few days, it has been cool and gloomy. Except for a freaky few hours last night after the rain had stopped when it got really warm and humid. We actually closed up the house and put the air on. I was so looking forward to waking to warm temps and sunshine; figuring that the cold front had passed. Instead I woke to more gloom and a damp sixty five degrees. What a blah day.  I have to try to find a bright spot; something to be thankful for or I will get depressed. So, today I am grateful for the nourishing rain being provided to my garden. There, a silver lining.

Blazing Xmas Trees are Not Just for Rednecks

I’m bored and restless. That’s how I know my meds are working properly. If you’re happy and you know it shake your meds! I breezed through Christmas. It was a simple, quiet day with my love. It was nice that it was quiet this year. I feel peaceful instead of stressed out like last year when I lost it and landed in the hospital for New Year’s Eve. Not so this year. I’ll be right here enjoying a peaceful evening with Mike. Oh, and I’m dispatching. It should be interesting. Guess I’ll be drinking on the job. Like that never happens. I’ve gotten back into drinking beer lately. I really need to lay off because I am gaining weight back. So after January 1^st I’m off the hooch for a few pounds.  

Every year we burn the Christmas Tree on New Year’s Eve. It is a tradition. So this morning I got up, ran some errands and undecorated the tree. She now resides in the fire pit just waiting to go up in a blaze of glory. Mike pours a ton of gas on it and throws a match. It’s quite explosive. Yay! It’s great redneck fun. We truly are rednecks and proud of it. What is a redneck anyway? I guess it’s a way of life but I don’t agree with the bigotry that usually goes along with it. We are a live and let live, love everyone little family. Our group of friends is so diverse. I guess you could call us modern day hippies.

The least wonderful time of the year.

It’s 1 in the afternoon and the dog and I decided to have a liquid lunch. It’s a little chilly today to be drinking beer but it sure is delicious. I don’t usually drink during the day or at all really because Big Daddy is not here to enjoy the party with me. Poor Mike is busting his ass at work and I’m sitting here drinking his beer. I suck. So, it is to my love that I drink. I love him with all my heart.

See now this is the girl that I really am. I’ve leveled off. I’m no longer perched on the edge of darkness. I’m happy girl again. Yay! And just in time too. Nine days till Christmas. Blah! The thing I don’t like about Christmas is the gift giving. I can’t handle the stress to perform. Will they like it? Will it be enough? Of course they’ll like it. It’s a fucking gift card. That’s how I roll. I find that Lowe’s has and awesome assortment of gift cards. They have a nice little section at the front of the store that has any kind of card you can imagine and there are no crowds. The Lowe’s near me is rarely busy. This means my Christmas shopping can be done rather conveniently. Parking is plentiful. The cashiers are stress free and happy. Gift cards are impersonal you say? I don’t think so. I have three girls to buy for. They all have different tastes and styles. It’s easier if they purchase what they want instead of what I think they want. I don’t have the mental capacity to shop for each individual; it’s too stressful. Mostly I just lose my shit in crowded stores. I hate shopping on a good day never mind during this season.

The thing I do enjoy about Christmas is the party. I love a good party. Mike and I cook a huge feast and the booze flows abundantly. People are in and out all day long. I love relaxing with friends and family.

I f*cking heart sunshine!

I used to hate living in Florida. In my old life it was a miserable place. It's not anymore. True unconditional love has opened my eyes and my heart to the beautiful place that is now home. Until I met Mike it didn't feel like home. I can now appreciate the abundant sunshine and greenery and flowers and gardens. It rarely gets cold here. Cold is relative to where you live. I put a sweater on when it's 70 outside; my sister dons a t-shirt. We are currently experiencing a cooler front and that is ok. I get to wear sweaters and fuzzy socks. I get to snuggle really deep under the blankets. I hug on my man a lot more. It will be back up in the low 80s on Monday. Perfect timing as I have some work to do in the garden.

My garden is coming along nicely. We have little jalepenos and tomatoes growing. My lettuce is loving the cool temps. My strawberries are starting to creep. I think it is time to remove them to their own container now, while they're still young. I hear they take over if not constantly tended to. I plan to grab a half whiskey barrel and plant them in there. They will have plenty of room and it will look pretty. I find something to put in their place.

I would love to expand my garden but in its current location that isn't possible. I want to be able to plant a lot more stuff. I have thousands of heirloom seeds just waiting to go. I have some wonderful squashes, cucumbers and corn, etc. I would love to do a huge garden. We have the room in another area of the property but it is currently overgrown with brush. We would need to clear it all out and then rototill it; that is if we don't have to grind stumps. I think just clearing it would be fine and then I could do raised beds. They don't need to be all that level. They would be just like us, a little twisted. How appropriate for my garden.