Toppled by the Wave

I fought it as hard as could, but it over took me. That tide of depression just enveloped me leaving me gasping for breath. I knew this was coming. Too much has built up over the last few months. So, I took to bed and buried my brain in a book. I hate the feeling of not wanting to be. Depression is a lonely place. It scares me. It’s dark and brings about self loathing. Mike fixed me or at least distracted me. He is so patient and loving. He coaxed me out of bed and just sat and held my hand. He has a magic touch. I love him so.

I’m feeling a bit better today. I still don’t feel like doing anything but reading however, I must find a job. Perhaps a new customer service company is what I need for now. The one I currently work for doesn’t seem to be panning out for me. No calls = no money. So, I will start to look for other work. I’m still trying to pin down a date when I can retake my state insurance exam and start a real job. The girl who schedules the test can’t seem to understand what I am asking of her. I will be kind and persistent. It is the only lead I have on a normal job. I need a normal job because I need insurance. I tried getting it through the state, but they told me I would have to be disabled to qualify. At this point opting for disability is beginning to sound like a good option. I know it will take a while to qualify and that I may need to get a lawyer involved, but I do have a good case for it. I don’t really want to go that route. I want to work. I just can’t seem to find a job. I even got turned down for a cashier job at Lowe’s. How can I not be qualified for that? I have a fucking bachelor’s degree. A lot of good that does me. It is a seemingly worthless document that I am still paying for. Oh wait, no I’m not. I can’t afford the payment. I had to ask for a forbearance on my student loan.  Lack of a job is making me feel worthless. At least when I was getting calls I was making money. I should have never switched companies. I let the promise of more money lure me away from a sure thing. I guess I got greedy and it bit me in the ass. Live and learn.