Vitamins for My Thoughts

About 8 years ago I wad diagnosed as being Bipolar. This was hard for me to swallow but, it made sense. Finally there was a reason behind my radical moods. I embraced treatment and set about to live as normal a life as possible. The problem with brain chemistry is that some times it changes and the meds just don’t work anymore. That’s when things get out of control and more than once I have ended up in the nut house. I have been on almost every antidepressant out there and many different mood stabilizers. I finally have a good mix and am proud to say that I have been on an even keel since January.

Bipolar is not just an illness, it defines who I am. I have chosen to accept it for what it is. I will always be on medicine. The medicine I can accept as just vitamins for my thoughts. I’m lucky in that I don’t experience too many side effects from the meds. And, I have a great doctor who is phenomenal at what he does. I also have a wonderful partner in Mike. He is totally in tune to what is going on with me and does not hesitate to call Dr. V when I get squirrelly. I’m lucky that I have him. This illness can be very isolating. Mike does crazy very well. Of course, I try my damnedest to stay on level ground; not just for me, but for him.

 
I’m not sure if I would trade my broken brain for a normal one. I think that would be boring. I like to feel extremes sometimes, but only if I can keep these feelings in check. I don’t self medicate anymore and sometimes that is hard, but I have learned that alcohol is not always my friend. Alcohol puts me in a mixed state. That’s where I am both manic and depressed. It manifests itself as anger and self loathing. Not a good combination. It’s best to avoid it all together. Mixed moods are scary and that’s what usually lands me in the hospital. So, I have learned to live my life free from alcohol. It helped me quit smoking too. I used to chain smoke when I drank. I’ve been free from smokes for 130 days. I’m pretty proud of myself. I was afraid at first because I was removing chemicals from my brain and I wasn’t sure how it was going to react. I was nervous for no reason. My brain adjusted just fine. It did help that when I quit drinking I was going to therapy for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (a by product of Pete’s suicide). My therapy consisted of deep hypnosis that calmed my anxiety and helped calm my mind and free me from flashbacks. It helped me to remain calm while quitting cigs. I will be forever grateful for my therapist, a young graduate student at Florida Tech. She is amazing at what she does and I believe she will be highly successful in her endeavors. She made me a CD of a hypnosis session so that I can listen to it anytime I feel the need. It has come in handy as I can no longer afford therapy. Being bipolar is expensive. My meds cost me about $250 or more a month and doctor’s appointments cost $75. Now that I don’t have insurance or a steady paycheck this can be difficult, but I know that I always have to find money for my meds. They are what helps keep me alive; that and Mike’s love.