"Your mother already said I could have you."

Yesterday was a stellar customer service day; today, not so much. Trying to go with the ebb and flow that is my life. I wish I could achieve some sort of balance in at least one aspect of my life. Well, actually there is one constant in my life and that is Mike. He is always on an even keel. He is the most understanding person I have ever met. When I asked him how he got to be so calm he said, “One day I just woke up and stopped wanting to kill people.” He achieved inner peace. I strive for that. I am for the most part at peace with myself. I’m not angry; just a little sad. It’s situational. I need to find a real job. I must have applied to 20 this morning. I’m hoping for something. I would even take the Starbucks barista job at Barnes and Noble. At least that way I would have human contact. Not that I really like people. I don’t. I just feel so isolated lately. I think that is fueling my depression. I’m alone most of the time. Most of my activities are solitary in nature. I read a lot. I play on the computer a lot. I have a serious Pinterest addiction.

I’m not sure how I got into Pinterest but, I’m glad I found it. It gives me something to do at night while Mike is watching TV. I don’t really get into TV that much. I never really have. I have always preferred books. Now I have Pinterest. I Pin on my Kindle Fire. I got it for free from the cable company and I don’t know how I ever lived without it. So, I sit on the couch, cuddled up to Mike, and Pin for hours. I have about 70 boards. They run the gambit of topics. I pin everything from architecture to tattoos. My tattoo board has over 170 followers. It’s actually quite amazing. I have one board called “How I feel about Mike” that has close to 100 followers. Why would something that personal attract that much attention? I think it is because it is all about love. I look through it everyday and reflect on how much I love Mike. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I really dig Mike. He is my entire universe. He saved my life. If I hadn’t met him I would probably be dead by my own hands. He is my North Star. He is that single constant shining light in my life. It’s funny how we met. He’s not even my type. Let me rephrase that, he wasn’t my type. Now he is. Now he is the only one for me. Back to how we met. I was with my mother and her son in a bar. We were having drinks and a good time when Mike walked over and sat down beside me. I didn’t pay him any attention. So he says to me, “We’re going for a ride.” I said, “That’s nice. I hope you have fun.” He said, “No. I mean you and I are going for a ride. Your mother already said I could have you.” Damn! Get up to use the restroom and look what happens I score a man. Feeling a bit adventurous and just a little manic (which means I could give two shits what happens to me) I went with him. I never intended it to be more than just a wild fling. I was not going to fall in love with him. I hadn’t even been widowed a year yet. I didn’t even know what a healthy relationship was. But, alas, I had found the love of my life and didn’t even know it yet. It wasn’t all hearts and flowers as we struggled with our personal demons. We had some pretty rough patches in the beginning. You know, years of being lied to and fucked over had made me quite cynical. It was when we began trusting each other that it all came together. I have never put this much faith and trust in any one person. I 100% trust him with my heart and my life. I have a love that people only dream about finding. I’m a very lucky girl. I do not take him at all for granted as I know that his love has pulled me out of the abyss many times. Sometimes my only reason for waking up is so that I won’t break his heart. I love him so and never want him to feel pain. So I keep my shit together for the most part. When others would crumble Mike's love is the glue that holds me together.