Fuck Depression!

Here we go on coffee number two. It’s actually my second quadruple espresso today. I am so worn out. I think working late nights is catching up with me. I normally work Sunday through Thursday until 2 am. The last couple of weekends I have worked on Friday and Saturday nights from 9 pm until 8 am as well because the weekend dispatcher has been ill. I think I need a day off. I also need my meds adjusted.

I have been a real bitch lately. I mean, not all the time but later in the evening I will punch you in the throat. I’m exhausted and cranky. I know part of it is the schedule I keep. I know that an even bigger part of it is that my new anti-depressant isn’t cutting it. A couple of months back the good Dr changed my meds in an attempt to save me money. He said that this medication is better anyways because it is not stimulating like the other one. No shit it isn’t stimulating; it’s putting me to sleep. I don’t like it one bit so, I called to make an appointment to see Dr. V. Unfortunately, he is booked solid. I can’t get in before my appointment on the 27^th. I have been put on the waiting list in hopes that someone cancels. The thing about that is I will need notice so that I can have access to a vehicle to get to his office. He won’t switch my meds unless I go see him or Mike calls him. Time to pull out the big guns and have my man make the call.

Mike and Dr. V have a good relationship. It is one of mutual respect and trust. If Mike calls the good doctor and tells him that I need to be put back on my old meds, chances are the doctor will just call in a script and I will be good to go. Dr. V knows that if Mike is calling him then Wendy is having a melt down. I’m not. I’m fine but I don’t know for how long. For now supplementing my meds with herbs is working but, I’m going to play my ace and have Mike call before things get out of hand. I don’t need another trip to the looney bin although; it has been almost a year since I last lost my mind. I wonder if the same people still work there. I digress. I am not going there. I’m not even close to being there so, nobody panic. Yes Mom, this means you. I joke about being hospitalized but it isn’t funny. Ok, yeah, it is a little.

To meet me I don’t think you would ever guess anything was wrong with me. I mean I’m quirky and all but, I don’t appear unstable. I’ve met many fellow bi-polars and thought, “Thank dog I have my shit together and am not like that.” I really do have my shit together for the most part. I’m all about peace and love. I'm of above average intelligence. I’m all about good friends and celebrations. I think the biggest thing that is wrong with me is that I don’t have a normal job. I used to. I don’t anymore. Now I have a very strange career that really doesn’t at all fit my personality. Ok, maybe it does.

I don’t really like people much. I say that a lot. My job requires me to speak to strangers about the most depraved shit on the planet. I don’t really like what I do and most often exclaim, “Oh, fuck me!” when the phone rings but, the sound of the phone ringing means money. So I enthusiastically dive into my job because it is my job to be a fucking people person. I do everything with enthusiasm because that’s the way I was raised.

Today I am having a hard time being enthusiastic about my job. It figures too because I have been busy this morning. I’m happy about the money, it’s just that I’m feeling rather introverted today. I would like nothing more than to climb into my bed with a good book and just relax all day. I could do that, having done my chores, my job search and my workout already. I could just curl up with the phone and my Kindle. I’m not into talking and I think that is because I am lost in another book.

I love free books. This week I scored a few good ones. The book that I am reading now is the biography of an Iranian girl who is born in the 40’s in Iran and comes to the USA as a young college student. It is fascinating from a cultural perspective. It is not a very happy book but I couldn’t help myself from becoming immersed in this lady’s world. The author does a wonderful job of making the reader feel like part of her world not like an outsider looking in. It is called the Caspian Diary and is written by J.M. Sandler. I highly recommend it.