All things considered, life
is pretty damn good. I am madly in love and other than worrying about money, I
haven’t a care in the world. My anxiety is mostly gone and I haven’t had a
flashback in months. I don’t know where this ability to let go manifested
itself. I can only think that it comes partly from the hypnosis sessions that I
went through with a therapist. I have just ripped a session off of a dvd and
onto my iPod. I am going to enjoy having it within hands reach. I love how I
feel after a session. It sooths the beast that is PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
I have noticed that lately it is trying to rear its ugly head.
My PTSD is mostly the result
of finding my husband dead. He had been hanging for about 12 hours so you can
imagine what a fucking mess that was. I used to live with daily flashbacks. Oh
those paralyzing moment when it all comes crashing back through your conscious
mind. You see it. You hear it. You smell it. You feel it. It is all flashing
back to you and you think it is happening all over again. It is terrifying.
When I am highly stressed it hits me over and over again. I haven’t been
stressed out in a few months. Sure, I worry about things but I’m not riddled
with anxiety like I am when I have to interact with a lot of people on a daily
basis. I am starting to think that I really don’t like people much. I have a
small little happy world with a warm group of family and friends that I love. I
don’t want to be subjected to a myriad of personalities each day. I like my
quiet week days. I have no problem being alone. The thought of going back to
office work terrifies me but I know I have to do it.
It’s hard to have a good
time while working in the corporate world. I suppose for that to happen you
would have to be truly passionate about what you do. I know that to be the
truth. I used to work on the Space Shuttle Program. I was part of a group that
made history. It was an amazing experience; one that will never be duplicated.
See, I’ve had the best of the best. No job will ever come close. I left the human
space program and jumped into the defense sector. It sucked. Don’t get me
wrong, the things I experienced in that job were once in a life time
experiences but they certainly weren’t as meaningful. I think that has to do
with the people I was working for. Except for my direct manager, nobody had
shit for leadership skills. I was not used to that. I was used to “rally the
troops” enthusiastic leadership. We were a team. Not so much in the business of
war. These people had been military Generals and I was like, “seriously?” They
are terrible at what they do. Not the company itself, the everyday employees
really do believe in what they do but it is because of a sense of camaraderie
not inspiration from management. I can’t work like that. I can’t work for a
bunch of assholes.
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