Thursday, October 10, 2013

Public Service Announcement or True Confessions?


So, it is Mental Health Awareness Week and seeing that I’m mental I feel like I should throw a party or something. As we have already discussed, I am bi-polar. I am also ADHD, have PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. I have everything under control except the anxiety. Well, that’s not entirely true. I now, finally, have my anxiety under control and I am happier than I have ever been. I’m passionately in love and in the absence of constant stress it feels fantastic. The only thing I can attribute that too is that I no longer leaving my home for work. Working in an office is a drag. People pretty much suck. Cube life is stressful especially when you have nothing to do. I used to read on the Kindle app on my phone for 8 hours every day. That’s 40 hours of reading in a week. You spend 40 hours inside another world and you get so engrossed you don’t want to come out. Either that or you are traveling. I traveled every week just so that I could be out of the office. I am thoroughly convinced that working in cubesville with a bunch of people is the cause of my anxiety. Anxiety is a buzzkill!

I lost my corporate gig in March of this year and to date have not found another job outside of the house. Am I sad about this? Not really. Do I miss the big salary that comes with it? Yes, I do. Is it worth it to live with constant anxiety? No, that big paycheck is not worth it. I wish I could make more money working from home. But, alas, the economy sucks and phone sex is not a luxury that many can afford. Things have been slow. It also doesn’t help that my girls look like a bunch of crack whores. Man, they are ugly. I wouldn’t do any one of those bitches. But I digress, we were talking mental health. My job puts me in a good mood most of the time. I’m dispatching at night so that guarantees me an income. It isn’t a stressful job and I’m enjoying being a housewife. I love taking care of Mike. I am on an even keel right now. I have never felt so happy and normal in my whole life. My meds are finely tuned and I no longer have anxiety. I do wish I could get out a little more but, I’m happy spending the day with just the dogs. This week I started lying out in the sun every morning, so I’m thinking my fear of being outside is gone. I never left the house unless it was to go to the supermarket. I was paler than pale and suffering from a vitamin D deficiency. I ask you; how the fuck does someone who lives in The Sunshine State have a vitamin D deficiency? They never go outside that’s how. I used to be afraid to be out in the yard; left over damage from Pete. He had me convinced that I needed to hide or someone would abduct, rape, and kill me. So I hid. I would only go to work and to the grocery store. When I went to work I was totally paralyzed with anxiety. Despite being fucked up, I always excelled; easily earning promotions. I’m not sure how I kept my shit together. I’m not sure how I hid the hospital visits. I used to get locked up every 6 months or so. I used to think that my meds were fucked up, but I think it was an overdose of anxiety. I could only take so much and then I would just snap and want to kill myself. So off to the mental hospital I would go for a 3 day tune up. Nothing causes you to pull your shit together faster than waking up in One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest. I never remember the car ride there. I would just wake up there and think, “Oh fuck, it’s happened again!”

It hasn’t happened since the first of the year. That was a rough ride. I think I spent a total of 5 days in there because my doctor was on vacation and the two attending physicians thought I was still a threat to myself and wouldn’t let me out. I had to wait for my doctor to come back. I suppose they were right to keep me. My anxiety can come off as anger. I was a little intense for them. When my doctor came back we maxed out my meds and I was released. All and all it was a good tune up.

What really got me to feeling better was acceptance of my new reality after the loss of my job. It took a while. It took about 6 months for me to come around. I have accepted my new life and am moving on. I do what I can to get by with a smile on my face. I’m convinced that attitude is everything. I wake with a smile on my face and move about my day in peaceful bliss. It helps that I have a wonderful partner.  I truly am blessed. Mike does crazy very well. I am certain that if it weren’t for his loving care I wouldn’t be alive to write this. Mike understands my moods. He knows me very well and does not hesitate to let me know that I’m getting a little out of hand. He says that’s what people who love each other do. They take care of each other. He takes very good care of me. I am fortunate to have a partner that takes an active role in my mental health. It is important to know that I am not alone in this fight to keep it together. Whereas before I would have crumbled, I now thrive in the face of adversity. That is true understanding. No stigmas.

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